Friday, April 04, 2003

the quest for heat

The traditional early april snow came last night, & was hugely photogenic. Picture: a redbud in bloom in the snow (right next to a freeway overpass, but don't picture that); a rustic/ed 50's? 40's? Manly Man pickup truck, with faded multicolored body and jaunty snow top, juxtaposed against historic Victorian shopware; periodic hail knocking the daffodils flat. Unfortunately you have to picture because I didn't; need to get one of these tiny cameras.

So it's winter again. Others would turn up the heat but for us cheapskates there are alternatives. One of them used to be the Hot Water Bottle; alas no more. If you go to the drug store and ask for one you'll be directed to the Douche and Enema Section, which is something of an indignity; however, if you persevere you may be able to find something that looks like a hot water bottle. But if you take the time to read the box (guess who didn't) you will discover that no, it is a "water bottle" and is not designed to hold hot fluids, and if you carelessly take it home with you and wrest it from its coverings you will also discover that it emits vile plasticine fumes.

And it comes with a lifetime guarantee. Such a deal.

Long story short: avoid plastics, save money, take leg of old jeans and sew one end shut, fill to taste with miscellaneous grains that you know you're never going to get around to cooking, knot the top, nuke until hot but not so hot that grains start popping. You will discover that there's an amazing amount of water vapor in so-called dried grains (or maybe in the dried peas which are not recommended, they smell), so you might want to bake the water out before clothing them. The finished product should last for as long as it gets frequent enough heatings to cook anything that might otherwise want to take up residence.

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